The Way I See It. Mommas & Motherhood.

A few days late, because I couldn't find the pictures I needed.... :(

 

On a serious note I'd like to really take the time to express the love and appreciation for my mom. What kicked off the inspiration and gratitude was this:

That made me think of my oldest brother Shaun.

As Jordan laid on that table fighting his panic and sobbing tears of confusion I felt so helpless.  I wanted to scoop him up and run out of that office so fast. We were both crying.  It was only a 10 minute, minor procedure for his front two teeth that I knew would not effect him later. There would be no long term effects to his overall health,  he would leave there still the same healthy, happy ( groggy), smart, funny, curious kid.  Yet it was awful. I realize more and more that I am such a wimp!

I could not help but think of my own mom in that moment who had to watch Shaun endure a long, painful bout with cancer.  He was only 4 1/2 when he was diagnosed and 9 when he died.  I did not know him, yet we as a family still learn from him, and in an odd way I am so grateful for all that he was able to teach in his 9 short years.  I am humbled even more for the tremendous courage and strength my mom had then and now.  She has had her fair share of heartache, illness, and trauma to deal with and always comes out the other side better for it.

Growing up I was such a brat!  I'd like to think it was a normal amount of arguing and teenage loathing, but looking back it was probably a little worse than that. There have been many times in my 4  years of motherhood I have thought "man, I wish I knew then what I know now" or "my mom was right" but who hasn't, right?  I feel my own situation in particular, I am so overwhelmed by the big picture of this thing I call life, and who I call family.  Without getting into the semantics (is that the right word?) and statistics of adoption because that is an entirely other post, it is mind-bottling (yes, mind-bottling) when I think about that fact that out of all the babies in the world it was this family, in this country, that loved me. Until I became a mother I took that knowledge for granted. I am not a religious person, at least not at this point in my life, but it is by the grace of God that I am exactly where I am. Destiny or fate? I couldn't tell you, but somehow she ended up with me.

The one who fought and loved me before she knew me, who braved her fear of flying for the very first time in her life to welcome me into this world under crude circumstance. Love. Powerful love. The same kind of love she has for each of her children and grandchildren.  The love that protected Shaun when he could not protect himself and the kind of love I witnessed when I was 15 and walked into the ICU to see my dad and there she was, on his bed, right beside him holding his hand caught between IV's, chest tubes, and the ventilator.  Remarkable love. I was only 3 when she had cancer, I honestly do not remember her being sick, but I know that she refused to surrender. I am certain there were days she just wanted to succumb to the pain, but the pain of leaving 4 young children without her was more heartache than any physical pain she faced.  Fighting love. 

I am learning everyday what motherhood is.  Is it great everyday? No, some days it brings me to tears, it's hard.   I am grateful to be part of the club, grateful for the many examples of motherhood I have in my life. My own mother, my sisters, my in laws, and my friends.  All at different places in their motherhood journey, yet all wanting the same thing for their children. Happiness and Love.