Not Happening

In case you were wondering, we've been savoring these last few weeks of summer. Trying desperately to spend more time at the pool, park, splash pad, Pump-it-Up, movies, pretty much anything that doesn't keep us at home on the couch. (except for that one weekend where I managed to watch the ENTIRE season of New Girl.... what?)  I have been feeling guilty as of late because Jordan starts Kindergarten in a few weeks and I have been working more... but I am hoping to make up for it in these last few days of summer. Which is why I haven't been feelin' the blog lately.  I do have a few fun things that need some love like our trip to Disneyland and our week in UT and maybe I'll get to it. And maybe not.

In the meantime let me just say I can not believe he is going to Kindergarten.  It's a weird feeling.  When you have a child at home you feel like your freedom is limited because it's always something....they aren't quite old enough to go places, or see certain things, and yet now I feel like I have even less freedom having a child in school. We can't just take a week and go visit family unless it's a scheduled holiday, and no more staying in our pajamas past lunch, or staying up until midnight and sleeping in the next day. I guess I don't do well with change, or maybe that it tears at my heartstrings that these moments are fleeting.

Fifteenth of June

Five years ago I woke up to pee, for the millionth time, took one step towards the bathroom and my water broke.  Like a scene from a movie it happened, sounding like I threw a pitcher of water on the carpet, hitting the floor heavy waking up Dj.  I didn't move for a few seconds and he shot straight up, looked at me and said,


 "What was that?!"
"Uhmmm, pretty sure my water just broke"
"Ok, I'll grab the bag"

I immediately went and sat on the toilet, which I knew wasn't the smartest thing to do, but I mean really, what do you do when you can't stop leaking?!? I wasn't nervous, I never panicked, I was calm and so excited.  Today was the day.  The day I would meet the little body inside me, tumbling around when I was trying to sleep. The little person I had bonded with before I even met, the one who changed my life the night I peed on the ClearBlue Easy, read those 8 little letters, and handed it to DJ.  We had both been living a very single Vegas lifestyle, and I never, in a million years thought I would put the carriage before the horse, well.... when you play with fire.... anyway motherhood was always in my plans, and when it came to me in the less conventional form, I just rolled with it.


My water broke just before 7am on Thursday morning, and Jordan was pulled from my body 17 hours later via C-section, weighing 9lbs. 2 oz, 19 3/4 inches.  I had a complicated delivery, and not to bore/offend you with the details because it was complicated, but the best part was that it was just the three of us, me, Danny, and the new one we were waiting to meet.  My family had been the first on the list of calls on the way to the hospital each willing to rearrange their schedules and drive down but honestly some of the best moments between Dj and myself were spent alone in that hospital room, uninterrupted just taking it in. I will always be grateful for that time. 

Jordan Andrew Sugar-Ray Reece.  My best-friend.  You have truly taught me the ability to love, to be loved, and to give.  I know we started out backwards, and honestly some days I wasn't sure I could be the mother you deserved but thank you for choosing me, accepting me, trusting me.....  You have taught me so much in these 5 short years, I can't imagine a life without you.  I have not always made the best decisions, Lord knows I learn the hard way, but you- you are thee best decision I have ever made. Thank you for giving me the title I am most proud of, mother.  You continue to amaze me, and I have loved (almost) every day seeing you grow, learn, and mold into your own person.  You make me laugh, embarrass me on the regular, and remind me to be a better person daily.  I look forward to seeing the man you will become and hope you will always share your life with me.  I am your biggest fan, your very own cheerleader, and I promise to always love you even when you feel like I don't.  Sometimes life will be hard, people will not always be nice, and you will make a few mistakes along the way, but just remember there is nothing you can't share with me.  And always remember, above all else, I love you and I want nothing more for you in this life than happiness and love.

We are back.

Back from the hap-hap-happiest place on earth or the loudest, depending on the mood of your child.... it's about a 50/50. Especially when you have older cousins.... We did have a blast though, and managed to survive 10 hrs in a car with a high kid to parent ratio.  More on Disneyland later.... I'm too lazy to upload my photos. 


I am mostly excited for a girls weekend.  Nothing crazy, no big plans, just a little girl time, with a few of my favorite people.... yay! 


And maybe just one photo from our trip.... Good times.

Before We Go....

Before we go to CA for the week just a couple of moments this week that made us happy.

A Graduation! Hooray! Even Grandma got to come! :)

They were even able to catch a game of T-ball on Saturday.  Also Dj's mom had a birthday!

I made an attempt at decorating, not quite what I had envision, but she liked it, success. 

We are leaving tomorrow for a week with the whole fam bam.  Well, most of us anyway.  Unfortunately Dj has to take care of business and has school, so we are riding in my sisters car. 5 kids, 3 adults, no DVD player.  Hmmm.... do people really travel without them anymore?!?  I didn't think so. Wish us luck. 

The Way I See It. Mommas & Motherhood.

A few days late, because I couldn't find the pictures I needed.... :(

 

On a serious note I'd like to really take the time to express the love and appreciation for my mom. What kicked off the inspiration and gratitude was this:

That made me think of my oldest brother Shaun.

As Jordan laid on that table fighting his panic and sobbing tears of confusion I felt so helpless.  I wanted to scoop him up and run out of that office so fast. We were both crying.  It was only a 10 minute, minor procedure for his front two teeth that I knew would not effect him later. There would be no long term effects to his overall health,  he would leave there still the same healthy, happy ( groggy), smart, funny, curious kid.  Yet it was awful. I realize more and more that I am such a wimp!

I could not help but think of my own mom in that moment who had to watch Shaun endure a long, painful bout with cancer.  He was only 4 1/2 when he was diagnosed and 9 when he died.  I did not know him, yet we as a family still learn from him, and in an odd way I am so grateful for all that he was able to teach in his 9 short years.  I am humbled even more for the tremendous courage and strength my mom had then and now.  She has had her fair share of heartache, illness, and trauma to deal with and always comes out the other side better for it.

Growing up I was such a brat!  I'd like to think it was a normal amount of arguing and teenage loathing, but looking back it was probably a little worse than that. There have been many times in my 4  years of motherhood I have thought "man, I wish I knew then what I know now" or "my mom was right" but who hasn't, right?  I feel my own situation in particular, I am so overwhelmed by the big picture of this thing I call life, and who I call family.  Without getting into the semantics (is that the right word?) and statistics of adoption because that is an entirely other post, it is mind-bottling (yes, mind-bottling) when I think about that fact that out of all the babies in the world it was this family, in this country, that loved me. Until I became a mother I took that knowledge for granted. I am not a religious person, at least not at this point in my life, but it is by the grace of God that I am exactly where I am. Destiny or fate? I couldn't tell you, but somehow she ended up with me.

The one who fought and loved me before she knew me, who braved her fear of flying for the very first time in her life to welcome me into this world under crude circumstance. Love. Powerful love. The same kind of love she has for each of her children and grandchildren.  The love that protected Shaun when he could not protect himself and the kind of love I witnessed when I was 15 and walked into the ICU to see my dad and there she was, on his bed, right beside him holding his hand caught between IV's, chest tubes, and the ventilator.  Remarkable love. I was only 3 when she had cancer, I honestly do not remember her being sick, but I know that she refused to surrender. I am certain there were days she just wanted to succumb to the pain, but the pain of leaving 4 young children without her was more heartache than any physical pain she faced.  Fighting love. 

I am learning everyday what motherhood is.  Is it great everyday? No, some days it brings me to tears, it's hard.   I am grateful to be part of the club, grateful for the many examples of motherhood I have in my life. My own mother, my sisters, my in laws, and my friends.  All at different places in their motherhood journey, yet all wanting the same thing for their children. Happiness and Love. 

Do you remember?

As a parent sometimes I find myself asking that question.   Do you remember? And while we all know we would not give up our kids for anything, because really, where would we be and who would we be without them.... I sometimes like to pour salt into that wound of  yesteryear(s), and think...


Remember when Friday nights meant something? And not just the end of a work week, but the excitement of two whole days of social conventions? We all know Sunday was still a day of rest, ok recovery, who are we kidding here? But not a shakedown of all the household chores and duties we neglect during the week, because come 9'oclock we can barely keep our eyes open and can already hear the sound of our alarm.


Remember when shopping was a leisure activity? Not a mad dash around the perimeters of the store, sweating, wishing the shirt that you just spotted in your peripheral vision had been in that path 'cause dammit it looks cute and it might even fit around your flabby stomach. Funny how shopping at the mall, and shopping at Target are now one in the same, and don't even get me started on a solo shopping trip to the grocery store.... and without a list.That's as rare as finding a unicorn on sale at the pet store.


And do you remember when sleep wasn't a commodity? When sleep was the last priority on our list, by design,  and now you could fall asleep on the toilet instantly and be startled awake when you feel yourself falling but know that that five minutes just gave you your second wind. 


Sometimes I think it's good that we remember our glory days.  I think they give us a good laugh, a good lets-go-down-memory-lane conversation, but even more than that, a good perspective on this journey we call parenthood.  While we all have different experiences, I think in the long run we become more relatable to our kids.  We know the heartaches, and the triumphs, and we try and teach our kids where we went wrong and help them make better decisions for themselves. And I retract my earlier statement. These moments, the moments right here, they are our glory days.

A Full Confession.

My house is dirty. And not the "you have a four year old" kind of dirty. Dur.Tee. I have yesterdays dishes piled in the sink, (which I probably won't do tonight either) a load of laundry I forgot about and now is sour, the garbage can is overflowing, reasearch papers spread out across the table and two of the chairs from my English final last night, and I just noticed an avocado that rolled off the counter and is wedged between the fridge and the wall. Seriously? What. The. Hell.  But what I really can't quite understand is, we all left the house at 8 o'clock this morning, and Jordan and I didn't return until after 7 pm.  So really, how does my house get like this??? We aren't even here!!!
Another confession, Jordan fell asleep on the way home, without eating dinner, or getting a bath / brushing his teeth, his feet are dirty from wearing flip flips, his knees look like he's been crawling through a coal mine, and his blanket smells like stale french fries and burnt toast. Sigh. 
Only 3 more days of school and then I get a break.  And really I better have the mother of all shakedowns in this B because CPS might come knocking on my door. I'll be glad when one of us finally finishes school, because seriously we never see each other. Our Conversation just fifteen minutes ago.


Me : "How's work, babe?"

DJ:  "Eh. Pretty shitty."

"Oh, I'm sorry"

" Eh. Whaddya do? What's bubba doin?"

"Sleepin, are you off yet?"

"No."

"Okay, I'm goin to bed. See ya tomorrow."

"Actually I'll see you Saturday, I'm leaving early in the morning to go to the library, and then I work at 5."

"Oh, Okay. See you Saturday. Wait, I have to work Saturday remember? You have to take Jordan to his Tball game at nine then drop him off at McCalls because I won't be off until 5. You work at 4 right?"

"Oh yeah, Sunday then...."

"Ok, See you Sunday"

DJ "Wait I am going to the library after work Sunday until at least 10."

"Well, I'll probably be in bed by the time you get home. So I'll see you Monday morning."

Yes, this is our lives. :(   It's all gonna be worth it right?!?  That's what I keep telling myself anyway.
And that my friends is why my house is filthy, and also why I ate a personal size frozen pizza for dinner, and why I am leaving the dishes in the sink until tomorrow.  Thank you and goodnight.